Uncategorized: January 2005 Archives

I was talking to a friend today whom I haven't talked to in a while. We have that sort'a hit and miss kind'a friendship -- we are close when we talk, but large gaps of time go by when we don't speak for no reason. But that's ok -- that's how we are.

He we telling me that he and his boyfriend of 8 months almost broke up yesterday. There was some unfaithful intentions that may or may not have been of acted upon, and a varitable bevy of lies to try to cover that up, despite vast amounts of contrdicting proof.

So we're discussing the issue of how he can't trust him anymore. He goes on telling me about how he just forgive him cuz he's actually cheated on him 3 times and not said anything. I was beside myself.

I'm like "you bitches. You need to get over it. You're not going to have a relationship based in trust -- how can you -- you don't give reason to trust each other."

Michael: /shrug
Michael: live and learn.
Michael: Happiness is what you make of it.
Him: What do you mean by that?
Michael: The thing I've learned -- we want the best -- everyone does.
Michael: The problem is -- there is no "best" -- only "better."
Him: Yeah ... and we are constantly searching for better
Michael: and when you have something you like -- it only takes a breeze to bring around something better -- or at least what you think is better.
Him: and take for granted what we have
Him: yup. "grass is greener" syndrome
Michael: So it's learning to say "I don't need better. I love what I have." -- Say it and eventually you'll mean it.
Him: You are very right.
Michael: Fix your situation. Make it work -- and if you love him -- treat him with the respect you give someone you love. And give me his sn so i can tell him the same thing before i snatch you both baldheaded.

Why do people in relationships take this for granted? They can't just be happy being together. Of course, I'm a total hypocrite for saying so -- as I've done the same thing with my past relationship with Ryan. (Although it was more convoluted by other details, and it was gradual that I began to want him to be removed from me.) For some reason, being happy just isn't enough. People want different flavors of happy. Not just chocolate or strawberry or vanilla. And then start wanting double scoops and extra sprinkles. Bastards.

Shit. Now i want ice cream. (mmm. Banana split would be good.)

The point is -- stop and take stock of what you have, why you have it, and how you treat it. Fix the holes, patch the cracks, kiss it on the forehead and tell it to sleep well. Don't suck other guys off. Don't slip and fall on someone elses' penis. Keep your clothes on and mouth to yourself. And jesus, love your partner.

Estava pensando hoje noite, sobre minha vida, meus amigos, todas de minhas doenças(de corpo e de minha mente.) E eu nao entende porque eu sento como eu sento -- porque eu penso das coisas do que eu penso. E tambem, eu ja sai que eu nao posso escriver muito bem, ... entao chupa-lo.

Eu sai que eu me-coloque em situações ruins ... e que a maioria da tempo, eu faco(?) decisões mal. Por exemplo, hoje dia, estava conversando con meu patrão sobre meu posição a UTMB, porque, geralmente, nao estou muito felize. Con certeza, nao estou felize. Mas, o que posso eu communicar do que vai me-adjudar p'ra transmitir meu desejos. Esta muito frustra.

E sabe, tambem, tem coisas agora em minha vida do que eu nao posso compartilihar aqui, nem em voz alta -- solomente em minha pensamentos. E eu acho do que ele me matará. Mas, tem coises que estao melhor se eles ficam na minha cabeça. Provavelmente mais seguro esse meio.

Bem, meu portoguese e muito ferro. LOL. Bom noite, cada.

Been a while since I came up with something original, I guess. But I was doing some thinking today -- musing, pondering, whatever you call it -- and i thought i'd pool some of that together.

When I was little I used to go this park with my grandma. Nothing really fancy, a typical park you'd go to on a fourth of July when it's steaming hot and old people are barbecuing with with their grandchildren running willy nilly. But I used to go there, under this covered pavillion, and my grandmother and I would dance together like it was a 1940s dance contest. I suppose the memories do seem very old -- even sepia-toned, I suppose. After a while, we'd have to stop cuz we were out of breath from the constant laughing. And the sun wouuld shine, and the wind would blow just enough to let you know that sure enough, you got just a little bit too much sun that day.

I went back to that park this weekend for the first time in prolly 10 years. Not much had changed. The pavilion was still there. Everything seemed old and weathered. The deer pen was gone and torn down. The deer had been shot about 12 years previous during the nite by some 20-something with a gun and a need for attention. He got that attention ... and 30 years in prison. But I went and I stood in the Pavilion -- the wind blowing noticably stronger than when I was little -- and watched the empty air, the gray winter leaves that blew about, the orange sand, the half-filled pool lined with leaves, broken cement, and soaking in stagnant water. Grandma wasn't there this time; the dancing was, however -- tho it was to a silent band with unseen dancesteps. But it was there. I could feel it. I think the dancing will always be there, even after after I'm gone.

But it made me realize that time really doesn't care much what happens. It has its own agenda with tasks it has to perform. The weathered pavillion collects leaves and memories that time provides. Countless Easters and Thanksgivings -- when the weather was warm enough for kids to play for hours -- are spent at this park. And every 10 years or so, some restless boy wanders back and thinks "my god, I'm getting old and forgetful. So much is the same -- in fact, I seem to be the one who has changed the most."

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Ya know, i've had a really bad day so far. It's just one big lump of frustration, sitting there like a gnarled, cancerous breast. I fume. I get more dramatic. I vow to take on the medical industry and make them all pay, asshole by asshole. I come to my senses and realize that this is retarded and I should just move to the Netherlands and be with Ron.

So i'm just going to sit here and think about something I read this morning:

You must accept that there is no cosmic plan -- just a story you tell yourself after the fact. As you try to weave each twist and turn of your life into some coherent whole, you artfully fashion the meaning you need. Things are not meant to be, they are made to mean.

I've noticed as I drive home from work, this tacky billboard that says "I Questioned Homosexuality. Change is possible. Discover how." Here is the website advertised: http://exodus.to. If you think you need help resolving your issues with being gay -- go see a therapist, not them.

Regardless, I sent them an e-mail after I perused their content. It is a respectable e-mail, I think -- and I voiced my opinions and concerns. It's below, if you're interested. If you feel remotely the same, I suggest you write up an e-mail and send it to them. This, particular e-mail, was sent through their prayer request section.

I understand your cause. I myself haved wrestled with being gay for quite a few years, particuarly in my late teenage and early 20s. I was raised in a split household -- part Mormon, part Baptist (don't ask how it worked out, cuz it didn't.) I was raised primarily Mormon, strict Mormon at that. However, I was well aware of my attraction towards men throughout that whole time, and thought that making ammends with God and trying to reconcile my feelings for men would make me a better person and more choice in His eyes.

I attended a Mormon college, graduated, and eventually chose the path of a missionary for the church. Again, I was still battling the demon of homosexuality on a daily basis, but tried desparately to live in God and do His will.

It was not shortly after my mission when I decided that the facade of a straight man was not really what I wanted to wear everyday, because I was limiting myself in personal growth. The constant fight I was having was taking my focus away on living my life and pursuing meaningful relationships -- not necessarily gay relationships -- but relationships with friends and family.

Ya know, I'm sure some people can live their lives in the manner suggested by your organization. But I can guarantee you -- as someone who was tried time and time again -- that choosing to live that sort of a lifestyle, where everyday is a battle to be "attracted" to your wife, is not any better than the hardships people face by choosing homosexuality. A majority of the issues discussed on the website could apply to both homosexuals and heterosexuals. It's a question of morals -- not of sexual attraction. Just because you're gay does not mean you have 15-person orgies every weekend, ransack Banana Republic at every pay day, and campout to get front row Cher tickets. Your organization categorizes homosexuals as sinful, immoral animals who have meth addictions, vanity complexes, and lay around in dens of ill repute. Granted, some do. But it is not only homosexuals who do this.

There is unity in the gay community; not everyone is as vapid as the stereotypes your website portrays. You cannot use the basis of morals to segregate a group of people without also segregating yourself. Perhaps people would be more unified with an organization backing it -- raising awareness, rather than trying to dissolve it.

Again, I appreciate your efforts in wanting to help people have happier lives, but if you're wanting to help people live happier lives and be more productive, preach tolerance and equality. Preach the doctorine that Christ taught, to love they neighbor as thyself. And while you don't use the Book of Mormon as a book of scripture, consider one of the passages from 3 Nephi:

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

My recommendation is pray for our youth to make smarter choices. Pray for the parents to learn to lead with love. Pray for the government to secure our nation and provide for those who cannot provide for themselves. Pray for the families in southeast Asia who lost loved ones, homes, possessions, livlihoods ... Pray for a better tomorrow. Pray for hope, because gay or straight, for many people, there isn't much.

So that is my request: pray for those things instead of for me, because I am happy and lucky to have the people in my life I associate with. I am very blessed to be one of God's children living here with the wonders that surround me, and the horrors that plaugue me. Pray for those who do not see that.

Respectfully,
Michael

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The urologist scheduled me for an IVP for today -- which is essentially just an IV where they inject Iodine into your system and take a series of x-rays so they can see the contents of your renal system better.

However, apparently x-rays can't see through shit. Cuz they gave me a prep kit which was, basically, Satan's Laxitive.

MISERY is the only way I can convey the experience to you. My poor ass. I mean we're talking 100% chance of severe thunderstorms with flooding and hail likely. I *think* it' finished. I guess we'll find out soon, as I have an hour drive to work.

I know this is necessary, but ... ugh. It's yuk.

I've had a rough weekend. The latest stone which has made its home in my left ureter is 6-7mm and has kept me in constant pain for the past 3 days. Toradol and Demoral have been constant sources of consolation, though has also left me in a nasty drug haze. (Now I know how Bush must feel.)

I'm going to the Urologist today at 2:30. Primary objective here is to discuss the existing stone (of course), but to also find out why i've passed 6 in the last 6 months. (Well, one required surgery.) Second objective is discuss this possible condition I may have called Amelogenesis Imperfecta Nephrocalcinosis (or Enamel Renal Syndrome for those who don't speak Spanish). Basically, that means that 1.) my body has some fucked up metabolic process for digesting (or not digesting) calcium; 2.) my teeth stain easily; 3.) my teeth eventually go *mush*; 4.) Renal disease is a common factor -- I dunno much about it, but the doctor at the ER says my creatin levels are up which is a sign of kidney damage. I did a google search on Renal Disease and it came up with this:

Kidney damage goes unnoticed in the early stages, as there are no alarming symptoms. Early stages of kidney disease are manageable. Unfortunately, in most cases, the problem comes to light only when the kidney functions have dropped to such a level that the patient requires drastic measures like dialysis or transplantation.

Looks like I have a lot to talk about with my doctor today. *sigh* .

Can I just reiterate ....

Coin-Operated Boy

and ...

I'd rather be a bitch than an ordinary broken heart.

I've been watching Dead Like Me (Season 1) on DVD as of late. The show baffles me a little ... it's very ... teen drama, but at the same time, there's something very real and morose. And while half of the characters are over the top, the few who are fleshed out are fantastic. And it's them that keeps me watching.

The episode I watched last nite was called "Nighthawk." It was kind'a weird. The reapers had to a self-evaluation. And I sat there thinking -- how often do we do our own self-evaluations? We're so busy looking outward that we never stop to think about taking stock of our own assets.

So let's do that. A little self-evaluation can never hurt us, right? Just makes us stronger.

1.) Do you let those whom you care about know of your feelings and appreciation?

2.) Do you share with others what they share with you?

3.) How much do you give? How much do you take?

4.) Why have you been put where you are? Is it for your personal gain or to help others or both?

5.) Who are the most important people in your life? Why? What have they contributed to you to gain this status?

6.) Do you value what you do everyday?

7.) Name 10 things you would like to improve in yourself that are not aesthic in nature.

8.) What is the nicest thing someone has said to you? What is the nicest thing you have said to someone?

9.) How much life is in your life?

10.) Do you regret? What things in your life do you regret and why? Would you change those things or do you value the lessons you learned from it?

I'm sitting at my desk, being a good worker bee (for once) when Alex and my coworker Laura (aka Laura Extremties) walks into my cube and say "we have something for you."

And lo and behold, I am presented with a certificate (seen below). It says

This certificate is awarded to Michael Hobley in recognition of your weight loss and all of your wonderful achievements that are still yet to come! -- Friends of M. Hobley Foundation

I, of course, now have this hanging in my cube with a Moulin Rouge magnet, and two word-magnets that say "Wacko Woman."

Fitting.

I am so proud, peeps. I painted my first painting last nite under the guidance of Ms. Alex. We went to the store to buy canvases and they were buy 1, get one for $.01. So i bought an ass load. And so we went back to her place and we painted for a while. I got as far as could until it had to dry. Here is how far I got. This was only a small canvas 12" x 12", as it was a test. But I'm so happy at how it's coming! And my first painting in acrylics. *sigh*

I went to the doctor today. Why? Because I woke up this morning and pissed a pot of blood again. That was my kidney's way of saying, "Hey asshole. Happy New Year." So bitter and upset, I called the doctor today and had an xray and blood work.

I do, indeed, have another stone. But the good news is that 1.) it's in the other kidney, and 2.) there are no other visible stones in the xray. Hooray for that! He's starting me on some medication which she help me not get them anymore.

The best news, however, was when I stepped on that scale.

People. I have lost 12.5 pounds in two months. Where is my award, dammit. I am damn proud. Happy new year to that!

i think most people who know me know that i don't really make plans very far in the future. I can handle a week pretty well, but past that ... it's likely that any plans will get lost somewhere between doing the laundry and taking the trash out. Resolutions are a wee bit different, I guess. I think resolutions are really those little bits of subconscious guilt that we want to better.

I will be less critical/judgemental. I blame this flaw on my college roommate. Aaron was a whore who would rip people apart with a glance and think nothing more of it. And of course, I learned quickly. I, however, and a loving (sorta) person and don't really like to be that way. And while, true, some people deserve it -- karma says be nice. So nice I will be.

I will stay on my med (not plural). As difficult as it is for me to write, I know all too well that I am a wreck if I'm off them, and it is way too easy for me to make up some reason to be off them (can't afford it, i'm ok with out em, etc.)

I will lose an additional 10-15 pounds. I'm not fat. But I stand to lose a few to be back to my ideal weight. I did well in November and December at losing some weight, so lets see if I can keep it up.

I will pay off two credit cards. So i have some credit card debt from the year when I was unemployed. It's slowly going down, but I need to focus on a card at a time to knock em out. I can do this. It will just take some motivation on my part. Or a sugar daddy on someone else's part.

And really, those are the only things I can think of that are "real" resolutiony. I'm not very exciting, I know. LOL.

And hooray -- time to go to bed so I can go to work tomorrow (boo.) :(

I can't believe it's 2005. I can't believe a year flew by so quick ... so how bout a quick jaunt down memory lane.

This time last year I was with Logan -- things were good, we were happy (I think). I was still unemployed. And Logan was that silver lining to a very stark outlook I had on life at the time.

February came and I was hired at UTMB doing web design work and graphic stuff for several grants. The job was a bit of a drive and the pay was a considerable cut from my previous job -- but it was a job. I met some very nice people while working there -- particularly Alex. I'm definitely a believer in the whole "things happen for a reason" idea -- and I think one of the big reasons I was hired at UTMB was to meet Alex. She's helped keep me sane -- she's heard about all the ups and downs (and downs and downs) of the Logan saga and every other issue.

Shortly after I was hired at UTMB, Logan and I broke up and things became very very messy very very quickly. And from that part on, the year has been a muddy puddle of pejorative phrases.

Shortly after our break up, I worked with my best friend David and a former coworker, Kevin, to organize Option9 Studios -- one of the things that kept me going this year. We had a lot of work and we had a lot of growing pains as we learned what it meant to 1.) be a professional entity, 2.) run a business, and 3.) work together and still be friends. 3. was never an issue for me because I love them both enough that I'd sooner drop the company than ruin things in our friendship. But I digress -- the company has done very well thus far and I definitely look forward to what the future brings.

However, also shortly after the breakup, I became pretty depressed -- was really having a hard hard time coping with things. David took me out to dinner and we saw Latter Days and had dinner -- went back to his loft and he got me buzzed on wine as I bawled my eyes out. Sadly, seems like David saw me cry a whole lot this year. But the whole depression thing began to really manifest itself in my work -- I had no motivation to do anything, slept a lot, etc. To make a long story short, I volunteered for a study on bipolar depression (type 2) and tested a drug called Lamictal. I was on placebo, so the 8 weeks sucked. But I am now on the real thing and things are much better and more stable. (Mind you, I really am bipolar, it's not just a fad antidipressant.)

So, medicated, side company, full-time job -- and I continued my education at University of Phoenix -- learning programming stuff like Java and C, working with databases, etc. Was informative and educational -- and showed me upfront that I am NOT a programmer. I still have another 9 classes to go before I get my degree.

May came about with a trip to the emergency room because I was pissing blood. A lot of blood. It cleared up after about 6 days, but that was just a sign of what was to come. Several trips to the emergency room in July, and ultimately, surgery to remove a 1/2 inch kidney stone from my left ureter. Since that procedure I've passed 3 more stones. David stayed with me during the surgery -- took me to the emergency room the night of the surgery because of a blood clot that was made me throw up from so much pain -- another time David got to see me cry.

After that, things have floated by smoothly with minimal bumps in the road.

December was eventful. I turned 28 and went to Las Vegas for my birthday. I met the wonderful Adam Hooker and spent four fantastic days there with him, David, and Matthew. My actually birthday was dinner, drinking, car tow and parking ticket -- and lots of vomit. I'd be leaving a few days after for Cozumel, Mexico with my Father, Step-Mother, and Half-brother. New Years was with Kelly and Dwayne and an assortment of people at Kelly's house in BFE -- great times.

Of course, this year also watched my personal life evolve. I closed a lot of relationships/friendships -- Logan, Audrey, Clay, Michael W., Kade, etc. Some were for the best - others I miss and things happened because it was inevitable for one reason or another. I made other friends however -- Brad, Alex, the Continetal Queens, etc. who helped me move on through distractions and intelligent projects/conversation/drinking. I sorta put distance between myself and a lot of people towards the end of the year ... probably something that wasn't smart. Priorities are things that I don't work too well with, or don't organize so well. I'm working on that tho, guys, I promise.

2005 is going to be a year to get things done -- but get things done in a relaxed manner, and not overly stressful/analytical like my last year was. I don't live life enough and enjoy what it throws at me. I overanalyze and take the beauty/art out of everything. Some things aren't meant to be disected, and I'm learning that. I'm going to strenghten the close friends I have -- Rachel, David, Kevin, Brad, Alex, Michael-gurl, Patrick, Adam -- and either grow and cut off the others. I need to be healthy. I have not made the best decisions in 2004, and I am not proud of some of the things I've done (that I would never dream of writing here). The tears that fell in 2004 are not to matched again in 2005 -- partly becuase I have a supply of Demoral now and know how and when to take it. I've learned that I am content being alone and do not need another person in that aspect of my life to make me happy/complete. I've always known this -- but knowing and feeling are rather different, and sometimes being alone sucks. But it's part of life, and it's time for me to be me and do the things I need to do.

I hope everyone had a fantastic New Year, and I hope and pray that my contributions to the world in 2005 will help make someone's life a little easier, happier, and more worth living. I hope that people will feel love, learn to follow their hearts, and realize that we all live together in the same place, no matter how many miles apart, that we all have families, moms, dads, brothers, sisters -- and that their reasons for causing pain are selfish and pitiful in the big picture.

I hope that everyone's life is better in 2005. Bless you everyone, and happy new year!